we all want to believe in something.

We all want to believe in love,
We all want to believe in something
Bigger than just us.
We all want to be a part
Of the greater picture
That's hanging in our hearts, our hearts,
Yeah, it's bigger than us.

Watching countless J-dramas has really made me think about different concepts of love and destiny, and whether either of them actually exist in reality.

A consistent theme and concept of love in these J-dramas is 守ってあげる. They put more emphasis on protecting one another rather than attraction or passion. The feelings they portray are more honest and pure than typical Western romance stories. Maybe this is where most Americans are missing the point of being with someone.

I sometimes wonder if there is more than one person made for someone. I mean, sure, you could be perfectly happy and content with a lot of people, but maybe there's more than one person FOR you. In my case, it's zero people so far, but I'm just talking in general here.

I hate how superficial and fake and physical "love" has become. You'll rarely see kissing, much less even hugging, in J-dramas. And if there is a kiss, it's only one, and it's not some big make-out session. It's sweet and it makes you feel comfortable watching it, not full of desire.

Maybe us Americans are missing something, but I don't think love is what we think it is.
Protection. Comfort. Purity.

Sounds nice.

you treat me just like another stranger.

You treat me just like another stranger
Well it's nice to meet you sir,
I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out.

That's how I'm treated most of the time. Like a stranger.

I wonder when it'll be MY turn.
My turn to need and be needed.
To love and be loved.
To want and be wanted.
To care and be cared for.

I've felt this way so many times.
Don't know why it hasn't happened yet.

don't you see me crying?

Walking up the hill tonight,
When you have closed your eyes.
I wish I didn't have to make
All those mistakes and be wise.
Please try to be patient,
And know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning.

Where are you, my angel, now?
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all,
But you can't say I'm not trying.

Another day, another broken heart, another tear.
This time, I'm the one to blame.
This time, I realized I'm beyond helping.

I don't need anyone, because if I feel like I do, I'll end up regretting it.

I'm not ready for any of this.
I'll never be.

i'm unhearted.

Sweet red cherry blossom tree,
That lives in both you and me.
You marked your name but I can see, it's not on me,
So I've shamelessly gone
And made myself come undone.
Heavy hangs my head when I'm unhearted.

I feel like I don't have a heart anymore.
Well, not really, I just feel like I locked it up.
I don't know why or how.
I just woke up yesterday and realized that I didn't like anyone, and it seems like I CAN'T like anyone.

And the funny thing is, is that I want to feel like I want someone.
I don't know.
Maybe God is trying to tell me something, because this is really something I've never felt before.
For as long as I can remember, I've always felt this compulsive need for someone to like me...for someone to love.
Sure, it'd be wonderful to fall in love, but for some reason, right now I don't really feel like it.

On a similar note, I don't really want to go to prom.
I'm so afraid that a bunch of creeps and weirdos are going to ask me haha.
I'm such a horrible person lol.

give me something to believe in.

Give me something to believe in,
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes.
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming,
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide.

I need something to believe in.

It's hard to keep up with a blog where I try to write down my thoughts in an attempt for other people to decode me, because my thoughts change so often.

But maybe I'm writing in this blog so I can decode my own thoughts.
Maybe I'm not really conscious of what I'm thinking.
I suppose I might need this to possibly find a pattern in my emotions.
I mean, history repeats itself, right?

That's good to know.

I'm tired of the fight.

I'm tired,
I'm tired of the fight,
I'm tired of the lonely days
And the dark, endless nights.

I'm tired of everything.
It's like...why even get up out of bed in the morning?

I'm exhausted with so many things in every aspect of my life.
I thought I found relief...but it's like when you take medicine, it takes awhile before it kicks in.
That's my situation.
I have to wait awhile before it kicks in.

But maybe it never will.
Maybe I'm immune to it.
Maybe it'll never happen.

I'm just so tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being the butt of all the jokes.
I'm tired of not being able to move on.

I wrote something yesterday that was insightful.

I'm stuck in between two walls,
the space is very narrow,
and it's hard to breathe.

I don't know where to go...
I can search for a way out, a door, on either of the walls,
it seems like those are my only options.

But what if I keep walking forward through the narrow space?
Will I find something else?
Will I break free?

In this case, the two walls represent two people...I want to get away from the one wall by running to the other, but it's impossible to move right now. I'm stuck. But I started to think...what if I just left both walls behind and kept walking forward in the space? Would I find something else...a way out of this whole mess? I don't know, but I need to find out what things are like on the other side of the other wall first. And I won't know for awhile, if ever.

In other news, Wall-e got best animated film at the Academy Awards on Sunday night, which is all that matters in life. \m/ rock on.

a little bit longer.

All this time goes by,
Still no reason why.
A little bit longer,
And I'll be fine.

High school.
It's a prison.
I need to get out.

It's not because "OMG SCHOOL IS SO DUMB, MY TEACHERS SUCK AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHINGGGGGGGG".

No.

It's because I'm sick of all the extra things that go with it:
The lies.
The back-stabbing.
The drama.
The fake-ness.
The insignificant feelings.

The things that won't matter the second you walk out of that school for good.

I can't say that I'm innocent of all the things listed above...everyone is guilty.

I apologize if it seems like I'm so far out of reality here. But maybe everyone else is, and maybe I'm the one with grounds in reality.

I don't know. What is real?

it's hard to feel beautiful.

It's hard to feel beautiful,
It's hard to feel beautiful in your own skin

Things are okay.
I'm happy, I guess.

But sometimes I can't help feeling like this... like I'm not good enough.

I'll never be her. I'll never be as pretty as her.

What if I don't fit in?

Get me out of high school right now, I'm sick of this.
Get me out of high school right now, so I can leave this all behind.

second chances.

Sometimes, we get second chances,
And sometimes, we never make it past the first.

I think this is my first post where I don't talk about something love/relationship related.

So here it goes.

One of my fears has come true. I was always afraid that Japanese wouldn't be what I wanted to do with my life. And finally, I have come to the realization.

I can't avoid the music in me any longer. I won't be silenced. I have to make music a major part of my life. I can't ignore it.

I suppose I have my sister to thank for placing the thought in my head: Music Business. I could do it. I know I could. I could still be around music and I wouldn't have to be a music major or anything.

It's something I have to do.

would you wait for me?

If I ran away from you,
Would you wait for me?
If I jumped on a plane,
If I stepped on a train,
Would you wait for me to come back home?

Yes.
Yes I would.
I can honestly say I would.
And I hope you know I would.

Anyways...
it's weird to think that maybe his songs are about me...well not WEIRD, but just like awesome, you know?
I mean, I see kind of a correlation between the things he says and the lyrics to the songs.
Of course it's possible...he showed me a song he was writing about me.

But yeah...it's surreal to think that someone so amazing feels something for me.
ME.
Anna Pesut.
A little girl who never really wants to cause trouble, but ends up doing so because of what she feels in her heart.
But this time, I'm not going to make a mess of things.

I've been waiting 18 years for something like this...something to make me feel alive... I can wait for a few more months.

Yes, I'll wait for you.

it changes overnight.

You know how life can be.
It changes overnight,
Its sunny then raining, but its alright.
A friend like you
Always makes it easy,
I know that you get me every time.

Through every up through every down
You know I'll always be around,
Through everything you can count on me.

All I wanna do is be with you, be with you.
There's nothing we can't do
Just wanna be with you, only you.
No matter where life takes us,
Nothing can break us apart,
I just wanna be with you.

Life can change overnight.

Things are going to be different.

Things are going to be better.

Someone finally cares about me.

there's no point trying to change it.

When your mind's made up,
When your mind's made up,
There's no point trying to change it.

In general, I hate the world and most of the things in it.
I hate the way the things and people in the world make me feel.
Because I know that no matter what I say or do, I can't change anything, I can't change anyone.

People set out to try and change things, to change the world.
It's all a joke.
You can change little tiny aspects of the world, but ultimately, the world will go back to functioning the way it did before you came along to disrupt it.

What I've learned so far in life is that you can try as hard as you want to change something, and you may want to change it so bad, but in the end, it's not up to you. You can even fool yourself to think that things have changed, just long enough to keep you sane. I think that's what almost everyone does, but they just don't realize it.

Just something to ponder about.

mixed tape.

This is morning,
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up.
This is a warning,
When you start the day just to close the curtains,
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up.

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo,
I'm writing you a symphony of sound.
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again,
This mix could burn a hole in anyone,
But it was you I was thinking of.

I read your letter,
The one you left when you broke into my house.
Retracing every step you made,
And you said you meant it.
And there's a piece of me in every single
Second of every single day,
But if it's true then tell me how it got this way.

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo,
I'm writing you a symphony of sound.
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again,
This mix could burn a hole in anyone,
But it was you I was thinking of.

And I can't get to you,
I can't get to you,
I can't get to you.

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo,
I conduct a symphony of sound.
Where are you now?
As I'm cutting through you track by track,
I swear to God, this mix could sink the sun,
But it was you I was thinking of.

And where are you now?
And where are you now?

And this is my mixed tape for her.
It's like I wrote every note,
With my own fingers

This is my mix tape for him.

Mixed Tape - by Jack's Mannequin


You Raise Me Up - by Josh Groban


You Make Me Feel So Young - by Frank Sinatra


Realize - by Colbie Caillat


The One - by Vanessa Carlton


Make-up Smeared Eyes - Juliet Simms


Everything You Ever Wanted - by Hawk Nelson


And I Am Telling I'm Not Going - by Jennifer Hudson


When Your Mind's Made Up - by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova


A Day Late - by Anberlin


Whenever You Remember - by Carrie Underwood


Mutiny Below - by Ludo


Here We Go Again - by Paramore


Say It To Me Now - by Glen Hansard


'Til I Get Over You - by Michelle Branch


The Hill - by Marketa Irglova


Because of You - by Kelly Clarkson


My Happy Ending - by Avril Lavigne


Wishes - by Superchick


Decode (Acoustic - Paramore Cover) - by Anna P
http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7201951

here we go again.

Here we go again, with all the things we said
And not a minute spent to think that we'd regret,
So we just take it back, these words, and hold our breath,
Forget the things we swore we meant.
...
Here we go again, with all the things we did,
And now I'm wondering, just who would I have been
To be the one attached at all times to your hip?
Forget the things we swore we meant.

Here we go again.

Another period of time where we'll avoid each other (well, he'll avoid me) in order to avoid something awkward. Another period of time where I won't be able to go to him for comfort with troubles I'm having, because he's the cause of all my troubles. Another period of time where we're not close.

That's what it seems like.

I want to say that this time things will be different. And maybe they will. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I don't screw this up. I value him too much to just let this all go down the crapper. I can't let us drift apart. I can't. I won't.

God, give me strength and courage and wisdom to go about this in the best way possible. And I pray that the result will make me happy.

I can't live without knowing he's there for me. Whether it's as a best friend or something more, I don't care.

I feel cold and tearful.
I'm shivering and tears are running down my face.
When will this end?
It seems like the past few months didn't change me at all.

longing for a new year.

Wait, how long will you wait here?
Your life longs for a new year,
Your healing must begin somewhere.

January 1st, 2009, and I already have one resolution done. We'll see how it goes.

1) Focus enough on school to get at least B-'s in everything, so my parents don't disown me.
2) Start caring about my future more.
3) Either let go and forget once and for all, or just say it.

I'm always saying how I'm scared to grow up and stuff. I don't want to leave my friends and go to college. But then again, I am so sick of living at home. I'm about ready to kill. I know no one really cares, so what's the point of sticking around?