we all want to believe in something.

We all want to believe in love,
We all want to believe in something
Bigger than just us.
We all want to be a part
Of the greater picture
That's hanging in our hearts, our hearts,
Yeah, it's bigger than us.

Watching countless J-dramas has really made me think about different concepts of love and destiny, and whether either of them actually exist in reality.

A consistent theme and concept of love in these J-dramas is 守ってあげる. They put more emphasis on protecting one another rather than attraction or passion. The feelings they portray are more honest and pure than typical Western romance stories. Maybe this is where most Americans are missing the point of being with someone.

I sometimes wonder if there is more than one person made for someone. I mean, sure, you could be perfectly happy and content with a lot of people, but maybe there's more than one person FOR you. In my case, it's zero people so far, but I'm just talking in general here.

I hate how superficial and fake and physical "love" has become. You'll rarely see kissing, much less even hugging, in J-dramas. And if there is a kiss, it's only one, and it's not some big make-out session. It's sweet and it makes you feel comfortable watching it, not full of desire.

Maybe us Americans are missing something, but I don't think love is what we think it is.
Protection. Comfort. Purity.

Sounds nice.

you treat me just like another stranger.

You treat me just like another stranger
Well it's nice to meet you sir,
I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out.

That's how I'm treated most of the time. Like a stranger.

I wonder when it'll be MY turn.
My turn to need and be needed.
To love and be loved.
To want and be wanted.
To care and be cared for.

I've felt this way so many times.
Don't know why it hasn't happened yet.

don't you see me crying?

Walking up the hill tonight,
When you have closed your eyes.
I wish I didn't have to make
All those mistakes and be wise.
Please try to be patient,
And know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning.

Where are you, my angel, now?
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all,
But you can't say I'm not trying.

Another day, another broken heart, another tear.
This time, I'm the one to blame.
This time, I realized I'm beyond helping.

I don't need anyone, because if I feel like I do, I'll end up regretting it.

I'm not ready for any of this.
I'll never be.

i'm unhearted.

Sweet red cherry blossom tree,
That lives in both you and me.
You marked your name but I can see, it's not on me,
So I've shamelessly gone
And made myself come undone.
Heavy hangs my head when I'm unhearted.

I feel like I don't have a heart anymore.
Well, not really, I just feel like I locked it up.
I don't know why or how.
I just woke up yesterday and realized that I didn't like anyone, and it seems like I CAN'T like anyone.

And the funny thing is, is that I want to feel like I want someone.
I don't know.
Maybe God is trying to tell me something, because this is really something I've never felt before.
For as long as I can remember, I've always felt this compulsive need for someone to like me...for someone to love.
Sure, it'd be wonderful to fall in love, but for some reason, right now I don't really feel like it.

On a similar note, I don't really want to go to prom.
I'm so afraid that a bunch of creeps and weirdos are going to ask me haha.
I'm such a horrible person lol.

give me something to believe in.

Give me something to believe in,
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes.
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming,
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide.

I need something to believe in.

It's hard to keep up with a blog where I try to write down my thoughts in an attempt for other people to decode me, because my thoughts change so often.

But maybe I'm writing in this blog so I can decode my own thoughts.
Maybe I'm not really conscious of what I'm thinking.
I suppose I might need this to possibly find a pattern in my emotions.
I mean, history repeats itself, right?

That's good to know.

I'm tired of the fight.

I'm tired,
I'm tired of the fight,
I'm tired of the lonely days
And the dark, endless nights.

I'm tired of everything.
It's like...why even get up out of bed in the morning?

I'm exhausted with so many things in every aspect of my life.
I thought I found relief...but it's like when you take medicine, it takes awhile before it kicks in.
That's my situation.
I have to wait awhile before it kicks in.

But maybe it never will.
Maybe I'm immune to it.
Maybe it'll never happen.

I'm just so tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being the butt of all the jokes.
I'm tired of not being able to move on.

I wrote something yesterday that was insightful.

I'm stuck in between two walls,
the space is very narrow,
and it's hard to breathe.

I don't know where to go...
I can search for a way out, a door, on either of the walls,
it seems like those are my only options.

But what if I keep walking forward through the narrow space?
Will I find something else?
Will I break free?

In this case, the two walls represent two people...I want to get away from the one wall by running to the other, but it's impossible to move right now. I'm stuck. But I started to think...what if I just left both walls behind and kept walking forward in the space? Would I find something else...a way out of this whole mess? I don't know, but I need to find out what things are like on the other side of the other wall first. And I won't know for awhile, if ever.

In other news, Wall-e got best animated film at the Academy Awards on Sunday night, which is all that matters in life. \m/ rock on.

a little bit longer.

All this time goes by,
Still no reason why.
A little bit longer,
And I'll be fine.

High school.
It's a prison.
I need to get out.

It's not because "OMG SCHOOL IS SO DUMB, MY TEACHERS SUCK AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHINGGGGGGGG".

No.

It's because I'm sick of all the extra things that go with it:
The lies.
The back-stabbing.
The drama.
The fake-ness.
The insignificant feelings.

The things that won't matter the second you walk out of that school for good.

I can't say that I'm innocent of all the things listed above...everyone is guilty.

I apologize if it seems like I'm so far out of reality here. But maybe everyone else is, and maybe I'm the one with grounds in reality.

I don't know. What is real?