I search for the resolution.

I'm alive,
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived.
I'm not looking for forgiveness,
I just need light,
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution,
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

Christmas came and went with a snap of my fingers. I didn't feel in the spirit at all. I was more in the spirit back in September than I was on Christmas Day.

So here I am, Monday, December 29th 2008. I am 17 years and 352 days old. I'm sitting in the same Pokemon sweatshirt and maroon sweatpants that I've worn as pajamas for the entire Christmas break. I don't think life is all it's cracked up to be.

In three days, it will be 2009. I wouldn't care another passing of a year if 2008 hadn't been the best and worst year of my life. And I wouldn't care about 2009 if it wasn't my graduating year.

So in order to put some order back into my life, I guess I should do something cliche like this:

New Year's Resolutions

1) Focus enough on school to get at least B-'s in everything, so my parents don't disown me.
2) Start caring about my future more.
3) Either let go and forget once and for all, or just say it.

As I was quoted in the school newspaper, "I make New Year's resolutions sometimes, but I either end up forgetting them or not following them."

So who really cares?

I don't.

Life is life, and I really don't see any resolution for it right now.

we've tried so hard to understand.

We've tried so hard to understand,
But we can't.
We held the world out in our hands,
And you ran
Away.

Looking over my last post, I think I should clarify something.

There is a huge difference between "complicated" and "hard". Life may not be complicated, but that certainly doesn't mean it isn't hard. The only thing I can compare it to is a sport like volleyball or something. The concept isn't complicated: hit the ball in the air over the net with your hands/fists, but actually playing the sport is a whole different story. It's generally a hard sport to play, but simple to understand.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is hard for me right now.

But I got accepted to Purdue.

it could be so simple.

It would be, it would be,
Could it be, could it be so simple?
Now it's hardly simple,
It's just simply hard, when it comes to you and
I'm by myself,
Not being myself,
Just to avoid all this confrontation.

I had an epiphany awhile ago, and I'm going to share it with you.

Life moves so much faster when you don't worry about things that weigh you down. It moves so much faster when you don't make it complicated. It moves so much faster without drama.

I'm here to tell you that life really isn't that complicated AT ALL. People choose to make it complicated. It really isn't. You just live. It's not that complicated at all. Trust me, I've been there.

At the beginning of the school year, I was caught up in a lot of things that were tearing me apart. Time moved so slowly. It was so painful. One week seemed to take three months.

Gradually, I started letting go of those things. I moved on to new things to take up my life. Now, one week seems like three days. One month seems like one week. And I'm so thankful I was able to figure this out.

Maybe I can help someone else out by sharing this.

what does it feel like?

What does it feel like to be in love?



What does it feel like to be in love? This video set to the song THE HILL from the movie ONCE asks just that.


Ones that stood out to me:

You know you're in love when you feel like the whole world can fall apart around you, but you'll still be okay.

When you just can't think about anybody else but that person and you would do anything for them to make them happy.

You just look at the person you're with and you just feel deep down inside that you can't live without that person anymore.

It feels kind of confusing because I'm not 100% sure at all times if the other person's in love with me. But it feels good. It's scary.


I wish I knew what it felt like. For real.

dreams are just dreams.

Dreams are just dreams
When they're stuck inside your head...

Dreams, I guess we're just made of dreams
When nothing else matters, as long as we believe.
I'm looking at you and I see my life
Passing before my eyes.
And when the journey's over, and all my dreams come true
I'll dream of you.

I love having good dreams. Last night I probably had one of the best dreams ever. It consisted of sleeping next to a certain someone on a bus ride, finally mending things once and for all with someone else, and totally standing up for myself against Brush (lol).

The first part just felt amazing. It was the most vague part of my dream, but it left the biggest impact on me. I woke up and was thinking about it, and I'm just like "Gah!!"

The second part was nice. We had a mutual understanding that we both have other people to confide in now.

The third part was the one I remember the most, lol. Probably because I've actually stood up for myself against him before in real life.

But anyways.

Dreams are just dreams.

Only 1/3 of these things have really happened.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

you make me feel normal.

I don't mean to run,
But every time you come around,
I feel more alive than ever.

People always talk about how they're in love with someone because "They make me feel special." Well I'm here to put that to rest.

I know I'm "special". I know I'm weird. I know I'm awkward. I know I'm different. People tell me that all the time. It's nothing new. I realized I don't need someone to make me feel special when I'm with them.

When I'm around him, I feel normal. He treats me like an actual person, not some weird, depressed freak show. I'm sick of feeling special, and he makes me feel normal.

I can honestly say I don't care if we never get together. I don't care. As long as we can be the best of friends, that's enough to keep me hanging on until I get out of this God-forsaken place. It's nice to have someone who actually listens and offers his opinion. It's nice to have someone to listen to and not feel like I have to pretend to be interested. I am interested. I'm interested in what it's like to be normal.

So next time you ask me a reason why I like him, I'll say, "He makes me feel normal."

trying to catch myself.

When I caught myself,
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should have never thought.

Oh no, I should have never thought.

It's so hard to try to catch myself, when I keep falling back into the same feelings. It's probably better to just fall and act like nothing's wrong. But at least I'm convinced it's love, otherwise I would have let it go a long time ago and not just lied and said that I was done with it. But what else am I supposed to feel when he looks at me and talks to me and touches me (not like THAT, you little nasties) like that? I'm done. I caught myself.

I have zero motivation for everything that has to do with school. I got a C on the government test, and I just failed a quiz the other day. And in English, I'm pretty sure the research paper is going to like literally kill me. I'm expecting to get a D on it, and I haven't even written it yet.

On a lighter note, Paramore is life.

And Twilight is tomorrow.

Woo.

"Twilight love"

I think the term "Twilight love" should be used to describe "a perfect, unrealistic love that only exists in books"...or something like that.

Once someone reads Twilight, it's like they're a part of this whole new world, a whole new way of thinking and living. And it's like you have a connection with every other Twilight fan you talk to. You can see the fire in their eyes when they talk about it, and you feel that fire inside of you too. It's something you can't really explain or express to someone who hasn't read it. The best analogy I have for it is that it's like a drug; only other ecstasy users knows what ecstasy feels like. (And I'm definitely not saying that I do drugs. Ick.)

I think we all dream of a love that Edward and Bella have, but we're too scared to do anything that would lead us to a love like that (if it even exists). We all want it and understand it, but we don't actually know how to obtain it. You can see in peoples' faces how badly they want something like that. I know I do. It seems so impossible.

But I think the secret to obtaining this is quite simple: Throw away your worries and fears, and show that you CARE about someone.

Forget about being afraid of heartbreak, forget about being afraid of looking stupid. Just do it! Heartbreak hurts, yeah, but you learn to mend with time, or learn to fake it enough to convince yourself that you ARE mended, even if you aren't.

Just....LOVE.

It's that simple.

(and sorry if this is full of me contradicting myself)

I always start here.

I always start blogs--Xanga, Blogger, Blogspot, Twitter, etc;--thinking that somehow it's going to start something in my life. But because of my laziness and lack of optimism, I write about 3 entries, then stop, forget, or delete said blog.

This time is most likely no different, but I figure I might as well give it one more shot.